Tuesday afternoon, and the temperature is above zero by 21 degrees. Here inside the gazebo (combination windows, but a deck-type floor), it’s 56 degrees and quite comfortable without a jacket and barefoot (with a long lap quilt to wrap up in). It is nice in the midst of winter to be able to come outside for half an hour or so to soak in the sun and breathe the fresh air.
It has occurred to me, this afternoon, that I really enjoy being me. I keep myself pretty good company. That’s a blessing!
Not that I think I have no faults, you understand. You’d be surprised at how many of those faults I’m aware of. And problems! Yes, I have some of those, too, but I’d much rather have mine, rather than someone else’s.
The Past
I also have more than one selective blindness to faults and foibles, one of which has presented itself to me to be dealt with. I have held since childhood, when one year—second or third grade, I believe–I won the drawing for the school classroom Christmas tree, that gambling is not something I should indulge in. Why I put my name into the hat, I’ll never know, and I’m even more mystified by why, having won, I actually accepted it and insisted on taking it home. Our family already had a tree in place for the holidays. There certainly might have been families represented in our classroom to whom the tree would have been welcome; it could have left more money to spare for food or gifts of clothes or toys beneath the tree. But, no, I had to take it home, because I couldn’t figure out what else to do at that point. Ever since, I’ve been torn between hating myself and feeling a lot of sympathy for the younger me at having to deal with the situation with no sympathy or moral guidance.
I had later experiences with games of chance, once I hit high school and ventured further out into the world on my own. There, I found that not winning could run a close second to the problem of winning. It was easier to deal with emotionally, because I wasn’t taking anything away from anyone. Still, the whole thing didn’t set well with me.
The Present
As an adult and with gambling, gaming, and lotteries becoming more accepted, I find the problem more difficult to deal with because it is so insidious. Our ham radio club has a ham fest (radio and electronics flea market…sort of) every year to raise money, and all the tickets (there’s a charge to get in) go into the pot for door prize drawings. I’ve reasoned that away by telling myself that I would be buying a ticket anyway. The club holiday party was a little more touchy, because I actually filled out a ticket for the drawing; the people who put on the parties made sure to buy prizes enough that the youngsters got something, and there were lots of smaller prizes with the intention that almost everyone would go away with something. I am glad we don’t allocate money for party prizes anymore, and I would no longer put in for a chance. For the upcoming ham fest, either I won’t buy a ticket or I’ll withhold the stub from the drawing.
What’s been more complicated for me to deal with is the proliferation of promotions among my friends on the Internet to publicize their books and other items by means of a lottery (random drawing of names). I think that I am inclining toward not taking part in those, anymore, either, just as I would not buy a lottery ticket. It’s still gambling.
This self-examination, which I realize may seem to some like petty nitpicking, has been troubling more for longer than I care to admit without my doing anything about it other than feel vaguely guilty. It came to a head when project I’d been involved in went to a point system like the United Blood Service uses, with so many points per month for taking part in the project (or, as with the blood service, each time I donated a pint of blood), but with a lottery system for distributing extra points.
I don’t like that road as far as its being one to walk down. Wanting to get something for nothing. If I protested the lottery system for the draft and do not participate in the lottery system to fund state projects or gaming establishments to support charities, why would I take part in any other system that requires involvement in gambling, no matter what scale it’s on?
Now, some of the games of chance, the lotteries, the promotions, and other similar devices may well be just in fun and not wrong on an absolute basis, and they may support worthwhile causes, but I have become convinced that they are wrong for me. I am too susceptible to the temptation to justify avarice in myself. A craving to win…to come out on top…to get something for nothing. For me, it’s an issue that needed resolution. It’s just too easy to justify doing the wrong thing and let the justifications spread out, and then start kicking myself about it, again. Better for me to keep completely away from such things.